No Matter What I Do
by dreamingsilver
Summary: Kenshin's lost as he questions his own ideals.
1. Battosai

**Background**: Basically takes place where Kenshin has begun to try to redeem himself from all of the slaying he has done as the Battosai. So, right after the huge war, when Kenshin is trying to build up his ideals and act upon them. But the past burdens him, and he knows that self-redemption will never replace those lives he killed. So (I just watched The Last Samari and got this idea), as the samari tend to do things, 'once you fail, you cannot live with the shame, and thus end your life.' Kenshin is struggling to decide what is right.

O.O Don't die Kenshin!

**Disclaimer**: walks up and disclaims

Silvers: O,o ... (scattered applause)

Shadow: Who the heck was that?

Silvers: A... sign.

Shadow: A sign?

Silvers: Yes, dear deaf Shadow of mine. A _glorious_ sign for us to start (on time)!

* * *

_Truly, I am a hypocrite_

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I strive – these memories don't go away.

The past continues to haunt the present.

_And… with so much shame of what I've done,_

_I'm prepared to take my own life._

_...w..._

_Truly, I am a hypocrite_

But who can live with such pain?

Despite my efforts, despite the success, despite _everything_

I still don't feel forgiven

Innocence left me a long time ago,

And never will it return.

What can I do to erase the past?

It refuses to remain behind me.

So, _I'm prepared to take my own life…_

_...h..._

_Truly, I am a hypocrite._

Saving these lives, echo the lives that I've taken.

And **they** won't go away.

_With so much shame of what I've done, _

_I'm prepared to take my own life._

_Truly, I am a hypocrite_.

And don't you stop me.

_...y..._

I have caused so much suffering,

How can I life with joy, after being the source of pain?

Saving hundreds, once slaying thousands – I cannot go on.

The deed has been done.

And the light has gone.

I cannot continue like this.

_With so much shame of what I've done,_

_I'm prepared to take my own life._

_Truly, I am a hypocrite _

...don't **they** go away?

* * *

Silvers: um... I think I over did it again. It's really morbid. But never fear, it'll get better!

Note: The enboldened **they**s was actually refering to those memories that don't go away.

AND the last line is a puzzle you need to solve - there's one word that's needed to complete the line (the ... indicates the blank where a word should be filled in.

Reviewing makes the world go round.


	2. Rurouni

I wasn't planning on creating another chapter to this poem. The first chapter was created merely on impulse after a journal entry. But all American stories need a happy ending, ne?

* * *

But now, _I have reached a conclusion..._

That despite the unforgiving memories

I will pledge to do what I can

To help the present hope

Thus easing the pain.

-

"I know I can't change the past, but neither will grief do anything."

-

And so, _I've reached a conclusion..._

That to die is to run away from the consequence of fate

Denying responsibility for my actions

-

**Breathing new air**

**-**

I know that I'll never bring back those lives that haunt my dreams

But **that** is the price I'm willing to pay.

-

**Taking new steps**

-

For_ I have reached a conclusion..._

That in the shame that overshadows me

I'll dedicate what life I have left of me

As an offering…

God knows where.

-

**Walking new paths**

-

And _I've reached a conclusion..._

That I can no longer live in seclusion

Far away, from myself

Facing this confrontation,

I'll live,

Knowing life has done more than I deserve

-

Breathing, walking, living

Breathing new air

Walking new paths

Living a new life

Free from the name that binds me

-

For while a battosai can only live in war

A rurouni can wander both the battlefield and farmer's fields

And save new lives,

And breathe new air

And walk new paths

And live new life

Free from the past.

* * *

Reviewer Response:

**PraiseDivineMercy**: Thanks for reviewing, your stories are awesome. Nice to know some fellow Christians on I understand your reasoning. I just HAD to place Kenshin in a "what if..." scenerio in order to fit in this monologue.

**Mystical Vampire: **Heh heh, your comment was another reason that I was compelled to finish this off. Don't want to leave the readers hanging.

The ending was orginally much shorter, but it has been rewritten, you lucky people. And, PraiseDivineMercy, if you look carefully, I've taken some lyrics from "Every Move I Make" and molded them into here. Note, look VERY carefully.

Yes, this is the end. I hope you like it because I surely did. "One does what one can."


End file.
